It's 2016, and it came way too fast in my opinion. I was really enjoying 2015. There were so many positives at the end of the year. A positive this year so far is that I got to spend lunch with my Big and GG-Big. It was nice to spend the weekend out of the house and not alone.
I hate the holidays. From the end of the November until the new year, there are four major events I celebrate: Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, and New Year's. The most tolerable is Thanksgiving out of the four. But, I dislike, really, really, dislike these weeks because the one thing that always comes with these parties and events: eating and drinking.
Not only is my body more susceptible to sickness, there is also less time to work out or eat the foods I want and more time having to spend socializing and eating foods I don't get to choose for the holiday dinner. I'm not the one responsible for helping with the meals, as much as I want to be, and I always feel bad if I don't try a little bit of everything. My family doesn't eat the way I do, so our dinner table rarely has any green-colored foods on it. There is always an abundance of bad carbs, fried proteins and veggies, and homemade sweets.
It's hard to resist a lot of the time. Everyone else is digging in, and I just really don't want to. If I don't, I would be the only person not eating, and that just looks rude. My social anxiety trumps my diet, and I give into eating what's been prepared with love and thoughtfulness for the holiday celebration. Then, before I go to bed and the next morning, I have to do cardio for a least 30 minutes. Since this time of year is cold, my only option is my indoor pedal machine thing, which I did take to my grandma's and my dad's during break. Is that wrong of me to even consider passing on almost all the dishes because I want to stay true to my diet? Well, it definitely did take a turn for the worse these past two months.
I worked hard to maintain a weekly pattern of working out and meal plan, and the holidays just throw that all for a loop. First, I have to take time off of work to travel or there is no work because of the holidays. It's frustrating that my whole schedule can't be maintained and I have to find alternatives and something different. My mind only works efficiently and worry-free when I know what to expect and I can follow my daily patterns. If I can't, my anxiety kicks in like no other, and I have to calm myself down. It happens every year. My weight fluctuates and takes a lot more time to work off.
When I went home and saw my friends and adoptive mom, they each saw I did gain weight but insisted I looked good and still call me "skinny". Why can't I see what they see? I know for a fact I look bigger, and I don't look fit. Sure, I did look a little too underweight in the middle of 2015, but I was happy. I remember going to visit my friend in Champaign and being happy. I had a good schedule of working out and eating routine, I was reading and practicing yoga as much as I could, I looked the way I wanted to, and I was just happy. My work situation wasn't the best, but I had all the living necessities and financial stability.
Since Christmas break and being back home, I have been working out once or twice a day. I'm trying to get my diet back on track, but having an upset stomach after going to the ER for food poisoning makes me want to eat more carbs and bananas to ease the stomach pain. I feel like if I don't work out, I'll still be unhappy with myself and go back to the old me. Then everything else will fall apart. I have to do at least a bike ride while reading in the morning and before bed.
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| The Road Within directed by Gren Wells. |
Vincent: “Why don’t you eat? My brain is broken but all you have to do is eat something.
Marie: “I, uh… It’s not that easy.”Those who don't suffer from mental illnesses don't understand. We just can't flip a switch and all of a sudden change. It doesn't work that way. For Vincent, it's obvious that he can't control his body and his condition takes a hell of a lot of therapy. But, for something not as eye catching like an eating disorder or anxiety, it may not be a drastic, physical tick, and it seems like something that can be easily fixed. I know some people would say it maybe one just trying to gain more attention or being self-centered. It's not. Until you are the one who actually has to deal with it, you'll never really understand. Do you think we enjoy working out everyday or twice a day because we ate out of our normal diet? Do you think we choose to feel we need to lose weight or not see what you see?
Well, this post took a turn from what I wanted it to be! I'm not trying to preach or make someone feel hurt. I'm just saying, like what Vincent realizes, is that we all have our problems and different shit to deal with in life. My favorite quote is when Alex explains his OCD, and it says how I really feel about my mental struggles:
"I would give anything to be free from this, but it doesn’t stop, and it’s not my fault."I'm happy I'm not alone. I'm not trying to say his struggle is equivalent to mine, but my struggle is still something I can't control, and it's not entirely my fault. Vincent has a very visual issue that is caused by brain issues, and the only visual people see of my anxiety are the scars from the skin picking (I guess my constant weight changes too). There are a lot of people out there like me but have a more difficult or less of a struggle. A struggle is a struggle nonetheless, and we need to remember there is help and support out there. Even though I didn't care for the way The Road Within ended, the movie is still powerful. I'm actually going to watch it for the second day in a now as I finish this.
Of course I'm ashamed I went out of my comfort zone to fit in socially, but now I am paying for it afterwards, and it's difficult to not be hard on myself for successfully being social. My social anxiety is another issue I have to overcome. In the meantime, I'll be on the hunt for a new doctor and therapist. Happy 2016. Remember: everyone has a struggle or an issue, and you're not alone. :)