January 19, 2016
I lost a role model last week. An inspiration, an artist, a friend. I never met Alan Rickman, but he was with me throughout my life since I was in high school. I have received many thoughts of comfort since we all found out God received an angel. January 14 was a beautiful morning too. I was on top of the world. I took photos of the gorgeous sky. Is there a correlation there? Maybe. I'm going to think so.
We met in passing, watching Die Hard, not recognizing or taking attention to his talent and looks. We met again while later when Harry Potter hit the big screens in junior high. From there, my life changed. "Who is this handsome, British man with this speech pattern?", I thought.
Forget Harry Potter. I dug into his IMDB credits and got to know him more and more as the talented, light-hearted man that later became my role model and friend. Yes, I will admit, it was more of a single-sided crush, but I knew I was stuck in the friend zone (joke!).
I thought Alan was never going to die, or at least in my lifetime. I honestly didn't. I never had a thought this day would come while I was on this Earth. I'm not crazy. Why did I think that? I keep asking myself and attempting to putting an answer together, but I just can't.
The truth is, he will never die. When his last film hits the big screen, I may have finally realized he's gone. He really won't be, though. Just as I think of him as a friend, he's always going to be here. Not in a creepy way, he's been in many of my dreams. I met him while waiting outside of the theatre after his performance. He was my grandpa once protecting my heart from pain and suffering. We also once were on a crazy chase, and I've forgotten the details or why!
Anyway, I just hope until Alice Through the Looking Glass releases, we stop being sad and start celebrating the moments he made us laugh, sing, smile, sweat with fear, but most of all, the moments when he filled our hearts with love.
I know I'll remember the time when I needed somewhere to go in order to escape pain and thoughts of negativity and I went to him instead. That's what I'm going to miss. In high school, when I was battling self harm and social anxiety, I didn't give into those thoughts and fears take over and cause me to do something unquestionable; I turned to Alan. He was my support, distraction and strength.
I can't say goodbye. I am just dumbfounded of this news and the fact so many talents have left us this year, and it's only January. Who knows when I'll feel normal again or be able to say his name aloud. All we can all think is that it's better that Alan isn't in any pain or suffering anymore. I'd rather have him out of pain than to struggle with a cancer or disease that stops him from living a happy, normal life.
I'll miss you, Alan. You're not gone from my life yet, or I just haven't realized it.