February 10, 2016.
What a way to start the new year. There were many positives; work is going well, my car insurance dropped in price compared to what I had to pay in Illinois, the weather is manageable, I've read four books (!), and I have a local doctor finally. My stomach issues have been better since removing aspartame from my diet, too.
Unfortunately, we lost many notable individuals in the entertainment world. I can't even being to explain my grieving process when to comes to Alan's death. I can't say his name out loud. I was talking to a friend about my tattoo retouch and addition to honor Alan, and I literally paused to say his name... I couldn't say it! Saying it out loud was accepting his passing.
I'm not ready to do that. I'm not. Last time I said his name out loud I cried. I want to cry about this pain, but I don't want to admit and accept he's gone. I know he is, but I'm still in the denial stage. It's like hearing news one say then forgetting that happened. Really. That's how I'm treating it, which is wrong. Alan Rickman died. He passed away January 14, 2016.
That's as far as I'll go with that. I'm putting myself in a hole by not grieving the correct way. What happens when someone who is physically in my life - close friend, family member, co-worker - dies? I can't act like it was news one day and forget it happened.
I was planning to see Alan in New York my sophomore year. He was doing a show around the time of my birthday. I didn't go. I couldn't go and refused to ask for money from my parents. I very well should have. When was I going to have another chance to meet him? When was I going to be able to thank and share my gratitude for being who we was and sharing his work with us?
Now I won't be able to face to face until we both are in Heaven. I can pray to him in the meantime, if he's listening. I doubt that. He's taking care of his friends and family until they can make it on their own. Alan has two new films to hit theaters, then his work will only be saved on film. Nothing more from him to be recorded. Devastating.
What I've learned so far is that if there's something I want to do, a person I want to see, an item I want, I should do what it takes when I can and while there's time. I of course need to remember priorities. But, what if I miss out? What if I never get that chance again? I don't want to think about the what ifs. Not again. Not after living my life on Earth without meeting Alan.
I'm planning a tattoo tribute to him that not many people will understand. That's the point sometimes, right? Why get a tattoo when someone can guess exactly what it means. Presentation and accuracy is always important, of course, but this one is for me and the other fans of Alan that love his work, not the Alan who portrayed Snape. I loved (love) him for all the work he did, even the Shakespeare stuff I'm not really into. So, when I get it, I'll be happy to share its meaning and see who actually gets it.