May 15, 2016
Just when I thought I was done with the grieving process, I'm again distraught and saddened Alan is no longer physically with us. Thanks a lot, Kevin Smith. Kidding... but seriously.
Browsing through YouTube trying to find David Spade's SNL audition, I stumbled upon I Am Chris Farley, a documentary about Chris' life. That led to watching the film then going through tribute videos for Chris, Phil Hartman, John Ritter, then, shit, Alan.
A podcast of Kevin's, dated January 15, 2016, blasted my laptop speakers, and I listened to him and Ralph Garman express condolences to those who have passed during the week. Then, it comes Alan's turn. Just hearing the tone of Kevin's voice made me upset again.
Kevin really opened up about his friendship with Alan; he talked about how Alan attended some family events, called often and was always asking about how Kevin and his family were doing, not talking about himself... basically Alan was very selfless and a great friend to Kevin. It broke my heart that Kevin never got to work with him after Dogma or thank him for all that he had done.
I need to thank him, Kevin. I don't know if he, or any famous person "I write directly to" on this blog, actually read these letters when I post, but I'll do it anyways! Maybe if anyone reads my blog, it can inspire positive action and some enlightenment.
Dear Kevin,
Your words, your stories, your sadness... I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your dear friend. Thank you for openly sharing your struggle and pain since Alan's death. For us who didn't know him personally but looked to him as a role model and a friend we always wanted (who we thought was unstoppable and perfect) are in pain too.
I was so trilled to hear you say such kind words about Alan; it reassured the notion that he was who I thought he was: a warm-hearted, funny, sweet man. I oftentimes get disappointed when I learn an actor or athlete I look up to is actually not so nice and not one I'd want to have as a friend.
You made really great points: (this isn't word for word or the point you were maybe trying to make, but this is what I got out of it) Say thank you to those who you need to thank before it's too late. And, if there's something you want to accomplish with someone, do it before you lose that chance.
I'm naturally one to thank friends, co-workers, past teachers, students, the clerk at the store... everyone, for anything, little or largely significant. I even try my best to write thank you cards and EVEN writing to thank famous people (like yourself) for just doing their work. This was just another reminder that I need to continue my thanking-sprees, but I need show appreciation to those I may not have seen or spoken to in a long time or have yet to say it to. I can't imagine losing that chance like you have. Now that it's been just over five months, I bet you're still having some sort of struggle with this. I pray it hurts less and less for you.
There are so many times my friends and I talked about traveling, doing something new or seeing a show or film. By the time school started again or I left the state for a new job, we never did what we talked up all that time. It just slipped away from us. There goes another adventure and memory we could of had. You taught me that I need to take more initiative to make thought-up plans into reality while I still have the time. Within reason, it's important to make time for others and to find ways to accomplish new goals with co-workers, friends and family. I really needed that, so thank you.
Thank you for helping me during my teen years. Dogma was a great distraction when I was struggling with negative self confidence and borderline self-harm issues. The movie created a bond with my childhood friends and continued my deep passion and admiration for Alan. Dogma really made me laugh and bought a new side of Alan I haven't seen since; he can really take on any role. Thank you for sending him the script when asked. If he isn't the voice of God, he sure is a voice of an angel now.
Thank you for being very open about your loss and what pain you're feeling (at least at the time of the podcast). You were vulnerable, you shared stories you didn't have to, you broke down. I really appreciate that, truly. I continue to send positive thoughts your way and hope that you're getting through this.
All the best,
Amanda
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