The other morning at the gym, I had a random thought to check Alan's IMDb page to see what films or appearances were in the works. A brief moment later, I had to stop what I was doing. Oh yeah. Holy shit, I said to myself with a trembling grin, now that's a depressing, disappointing thought.
When I was a bigger movie buff, I would check Alan's credits weekly, wanting to be in the know of what films I should be ready to see in theaters or if there was something I missed (like a TV guest appearance). Of course, at that time, more Harry Potter films were in the waiting line, voice parts and other roles here and there were in the shuffle between the HP break. And when the top credit was fresh to me, I would gasp with excitement and store the new film in my Alan vault, anticipating more information and putting the release date in the forefront.
This won't be happening again, as I wish it would. It's been more than a year since his death, and this was honestly the first time I thought to browse his IMDb page. How did I forget there won't be new films with new, recent footage of Alan? Was I mentally transported to another time, thinking I was a teenager again for that morning? What possessed me to be so foolish and forgetful? I was frustrated and disappointed. Why... I still can't pinpoint.
So just a moment ago, I acted on the idea of checking his page. As suspected, his last credit, Alice Through the Looking Glass, is still the most recent. I don't know how I feel. All I can think is, Yeah, this is real. He's not here, not acting in new roles, not blessing us with his talent in new ways. Do I not believe this, after nearly a year and a half now?
Even though only his work and spirit are among us, I still have epiphanies and conjure positive thoughts because of him. This little experience - and other recent events unrelated to this one - has been a reminder to take advantage of the time I have here in the best ways that I can. I need to create memories with people, and not always solo. I need to use my time with my friends to see my favorite musicians perform and watch films featuring inspirational stories that were created by talented, brave directors, writers and actors.
I reiterate this to you, too; If there's something you want to do, do it. But, be reasonable and make sure the outcome is intended to be positive for all involved. Don't waste your energy to tease others, poke fun at others or even putting yourself down. Reach out to friends, co-workers and family in positive, thoughtful ways to lift them up. Don't tear them down. Don't tear yourself down.
At the end of the day, I always ask myself to remember the highlights and things that made me smiled, recall the moments that I loved about the day; love today. It's the title of a Mika song that is tattooed on my foot. The tattoo always reminds me of different parts of my life (most recently reminding me of the bond with my sister and the night we saw Mika in concert together), but its origin continues to be present every day; I doubt there is something so tragic in my daily life that should cause me to go to bed sad, anxious or with tears staining my pillow. Believe me, I always seek out a good cry when fitting, but you can only take pity on yourself for so long.
Before you go to sleep, give yourself a reason to smile and love today as you thank God for the live you're living and begin your rest to conquer tomorrow.
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