One year later, and I'm still missing Alan Rickman.

January 14, 2017

  This time last year, I was in a haze, going through my Thursday trying to comprehend what happened that morning. Alan Rickman died, and I was devastated, first confused and unsure how to respond. Was it a hoax? Who would joke about such a thing? But, no, it was true. Alan really did pass away from cancer. From that day forward, I felt - and continue to feel - at complete random times, a sudden sting in my chest, confusion, and an indescribable urge to burst into crying.

  There are many people out there who don't understand how average people get so caught up in "celebrity" deaths. First, Alan wasn't a "celebrity" in my terms. A celebrity is well-known for little to no real reason other than family connection and/or money. Celebrities had their lives on display and are open books. Alan wasn't an open book similar to how so many actors are these days. He was private and kept his personal life with his friends and family within those people only, and I completely respect his lifestyle and choices.

  Second, I'm so "caught up" in his life and death because I look to him as a role model, someone to strive to be like in this world. He took his job very seriously, and he was really good at it. He crafted every role he played with skill, precision and in a new perspective than the last. I doubt Alan worked as an actor for the money and fame. When he was growing up, he had issues with his speech and voice; I too had problems in that area as a child (not in the same way he did, but something I was very self-conscience of). He became successful and showed me that hard work, dedication and a respect for the work can overcome challenges and road blocks that may be in the way.

  Outside of his professional life, I have yet to hear a single negative thing regarding how he lived his life, as in the way he treated people and how he spent his time not working. From many of his co-workers - The Harry Potter bunch, Kate Winslet, Kevin Smith, Emma Thompson - they all have nothing but positive things to say. I want to leave that kind of impression about who I am with every person I encounter. He was more than a decent human being; I want to be more than a decent human being! I am very critical of myself, so I can't truly say that I've accomplished being a decent human being even yet. Alan must have been so selfless and considerate to everyone in his life. Kevin talked about Alan in a podcast the week of Alan's passing, and it was so raw and pure. I thank Kevin for opening up and keeping Alan's spirit among us; sharing stories is the best way to keep the ones we love alive.

  I feel so guilty for being so angry and sad that Alan isn't with us anymore. I want more of him on the big screen and on stage. I want to experience new stories through his on-screen presence and directing. I want to not feel alone in my struggles. When he's on-screen or I'm listing to him sing and read, I don't feel alone. I'm taken somewhere to feel safe, to distract me from my anxiety, to make me temporarily forget about my shortcomings and lack of self-confidence. Before I'm out of the trance, I remember what he had to do to become who he was in that moment and what he had to endure. I'm reminded that he's just human, not an all-powerful God who is blessed with talent and skill. Alan worked and studied hard to become a brilliant actor. Then, returning into the real world where I have to acknowledge my shortcomings and weaknesses, I bring that back and try, little by little, to apply hard work and dedication to make me better at my craft (which I still don't know what that is...).

  So yeah, I'm grieving. I'm not going to feel embarrassed or dumb for being sad that an actor has died. Alan did a lot for me, and I can't thank him directly. The only way I can thank him is to live my life the way he did his; to be sincere and kind to all I encounter, to treat my work with respect and to put passion and hard work into everything I do. We were spoiled. He shared his work with the world, and it was brilliant work. Alan could have kept it to himself. I am so thankful and blessed to have lived during his lifetime. I try to watch movies and read books with compelling stories to be more than entertained; I do it so the stories - and the individuals within each - are not forgotten and can be told to others. We need to share Alan's story and the movies and plays he was a part of to keep the stories he enjoyed alive, too.

  I know I'll probably never really get over the loss or stop longing for things to be different. Alan was probably suffering with the cancer, and as long as he's out of that pain, then I'm very grateful and have to come to terms with it. He didn't deserve to suffer, and I wouldn't wish for someone to suffer he or she didn't inflict upon himself or herself. I try to "have an idea" (Dogma reference) about life after death, and I like the idea that he's an angel, looking down and guiding and friends and family. And, if he chooses, he can see the many fans he still has and listen to our appreciating and grieving.

  You were a real blessing to us. We miss you, Alan, and we will share your work, your story and the stories you enjoyed for as long as we are here. Rest peacefully, voice of God.