Time to get back to being me.

November 24, 2016

Family, Lou's and Alan. Yes, please!

  First off, happy Thanksgiving! It's a beautiful week here in the Chicago suburbs to celebrate being thankful with family and friends. We've already done many things I've wanted to do since arriving in my hometown. We had a family dinner at my favorite spot for deep dish, Lou Malnati's. My brother was such a good sport. He, my sister, my sister's boyfriend, Dad, and I all met up to celebrate the Cubs' World Series win and my birthday. I asked for my mushrooms to be in the shape of a "C" for Cubs, but the cooks didn't listen. Oh well. It was still nice and a relief I could confidently eat a vegan-friendly deep dish pizza! We aren't as close as other families are, but all of us having dinner and not causing a scene was a success and well worth the risk! It's nice to feel like a normal family every now and then, even though I know we aren't. To finish my first full day back, we watched Die Hard, our family Christmas movie. :)

  Before that, my dad, as promised, bought me some World Series memorabilia. Thank goodness I fit into a kid's extra large shirt. Yay for cheaper t-shirts! I also now how a license plate holder and a new sticker to add to my existing car sticker. The last Cubs-inspired thing we're going to partake in is getting tattoos! It's going to be awesome! I cannot wait for this weekend to FINALLY be able to finish the celebration.

  Even though my break from Ohio has been nice so far, I still can't help feeling like the person I was when I was living in Illinois; checking my weight every morning, doing more cardio than I need to do, having difficult conversations with my grandma, and worrying about what people here think of me. It's like I walk through a door that shifts my personality, and I have no control or awareness of when it happens.

  In addition to that, I haven't been following my normal routine I was so comfortable with and choosing to follow. Back in Ohio, I've been more socially engaged as well as working odd hours at least once a week. To top it off, I took photo's for a sorority sister's wedding, which caused heightened anxiety and stress, before, during and after the wedding. Because of the photo editing, my nights were filled with organizing photos, editing the best ones, stopping myself and doing something else because I am so disappointed in the work, and feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I didn't do better. It took me a long time to get through the post-wedding photo process mainly because I was playing mind-games with myself and of course because there were a TON of photos to choose from.

   I feel like I'm losing myself. I haven't even completed a book in the past month! That's nuts! I'm enjoying a lot of my time, sure, but I was so content with where my life was, and I want to get back to that. There are a lot of tough decisions I have to make as the year comes to an end. In order to achieve the goals I have, I have to step out of my comfort zone, again, and do things that make me happy and a better person. I don't like feeling angry when someone wants to hang out or talk. I don't want to feel like I have to do something I'm not comfortable with, just to make other people happy.

  I'm not going to use this space to complain and be negative much longer. Instead, I'm going to enjoy time with my Chicago family and friends that I haven't seen since the beginning of July. Damn, has it been that long?! Yikes. Anyways, I'm thankful I'm able to come home this holiday and again next month! :)