Unavoidable fear.

June 16, 2014
  I'm not afraid to admit it: I have flaws. I have anxiety. I have fear.
  What I have been thinking about in the past few hours is my fear of losing someone close to me. Not fear of losing a friend because of distance and poor communication skills, but losing someone I couldn't imagine not having in life because of death.
  I don't know whether to say it's a blessing or a future struggle, but I haven't lost a family member, friend or mentor at an age when I understood death; I lost a grandfather when I wasn't even born, and I lost the other when I was very young. I've had students I didn't know well die. I've had my teachers' family members pass on. I've haven't had someone close in my life pass away. I've never had to deal with that pain before.
  I would say the closest person that I have lost in my life is Coach Donna Newberry. I was fortunate to meet her before she passed, but I wasn't lucky enough to call her my coach for as long as I thought I was going to. She only got to see me at practice three times. Even though softball wasn't something I was able to stay committed to at Muskigum, she is the reason I went to school there, brought God in my life and taught me great life lessons. Even though that part in my life was hard, I couldn't imagine losing someone even closer to me in life at this point in time.
  I'm scared now more than ever that when that time comes, I won't be able to handle the emotion that comes with it. I'm not trying to say I wish I had to experience it sooner, but it's a life event that seems to be stalling its arrival. The worst part of this fact is I was unable to help friends around me when he or she had to experience loss. I've never had to, so I didn't know how to put myself in those shoes. It's a daunting feeling.
  I'm not really sure the point I'm trying to make here, but it makes me want to see everyone I love this summer once because the joy of my friends' and family's love and support could decrease before I know it and before I can show my love and appreciation back.